Can I kick it?... Yes, yes you can!

Gooooooooollllllllllll! That’s the catchphrase of Andres Cantor, the legendary Spanish-language sports announcer, and it also signifies something much bigger: the FIFA World Cup is back, baby! Every four years, teams representing 32 countries from around the world descend upon one nation to compete in the greatest tournament in sports. After a grueling three-year qualification process, regional winners and playoff survivors meet in the final field to battle for soccer supremacy. It’s a competition so grand, schools are closed, economies suffer because of absent/distracted workers, and civil wars are temporarily ended. When the World Cup begins on June 9 in Germany, it is expected to draw an estimated 30 billion viewers in one month. Homey, we major!

The FIFA World Cup is The World’s Greatest Sporting Event. But like most things popular throughout the world, Americans just don’t seem to get it. Sure, there are millions of people in the U.S. who love soccer, but the majority of Americans don’t know the difference between Pelé and Payless. So, what should a red-blooded American who wants to watch the World Cup but has no experience do? He or she should read “If Soccer Teams Were Rappers” and separate the also-rans from the elite. This limited guide will help soccer un-enthusiasts fake their way through the tournament around their more knowledgeable friends. By the time T.I. faces The Roots in the championship game, you’ll already have figured out what they know and what they do.

If Soccer Teams Were Rappers (Updated June 2, 2006)

Brazil = T.I.
The Brazilian team, or Seleção as it’s known by their fans, is the indisputable King of the South [America]. Brazil has five titles and is the only team to appear in every World Cup final ever held. You should know that by now because Brazilians can’t help but restate their don status on every possible occasion. Just when you’re ready to put them out of your mind, they make another major smash (silencing critics by winning in 2002 = T.I.’s King selling 500,000 records in its first week) to let you know they’re still on top. Get ready for more because the Pentacampeons (five-time champions) are favored to win the Cup again.
Note: Jay-Z and Kanye West are also acceptable comparisons.

United States = Bobby Brown
You really have to feel sorry for the U.S. men’s soccer team because people forget that we finished third in the first World Cup held in 1930. Problem is, The Whites haven’t done much since their Don’t Be Cruel–esque debut, while their female counterparts enjoyed years of success. The U.S. women’s team has been Whitney Houston and won just about every major tournament in recent years. Sure, they’ve had a few cracks (no pun intended) along the way, but they still have a long reign at the top that their man has yet to match.

Spain = Jadakiss
Spain has the not-so-flattering distinction of being known as the “greatest underachievers” in soccer history. Whether it’s the World Cup, Euro Cup, or just a cup of Lipton tea, La Seleccion always loses in embarrassing fashion despite being pre-tournament favorites. They have a bounty of talent and moments of greatness that warrant respect, but Spain continuously performs poorly and falls short of expectations. Sound familiar? No one can doubt that Kiss - from a technical standpoint of lyrics, flow, and delivery - is one of hip-hop’s best, but you’re only as good as your results. Jada having two underwhelming solo albums makes him the mirror image of Spain, a team that has managed to turn failure into an art.

The Netherlands (Holland) = The Roots
Holland has been one of the best teams in the world since the 70’s. Their top-tier skills have earned them the respect of everyone in the game, but that respect has rarely translated to the top hardware. Between the World Cup and European championship, the Dutch have lost in the quarterfinals, semifinals, or final game nine different times. They did win the 1988 European Championship, but similar to how The Roots scored a couple of gold records with Phrenology and Things Fall Apart, a talent of their caliber should have gotten a platinum plaque (or Cup trophy) by now.

England = KRS-One
I feel bad for even typing this, but it has to be said. KRS-One is a legend in this rap game and must be respected for being one of the greatest ever. But just like England, he hasn't shown that in his recent work. The Teacher and England have underperformed, yet they are constantly invoking their past excellence. Their last few offerings (albums or Cup performances) were uneventful and made both appear to be just a shell of their former selves. Stop trying to constantly remind us of the great contribution you’ve made and do something now.

France = 50 Cent & G-Unit
France put in steady work on the underground (third in the ‘86 Cup, second in Euro ‘96) before eventually rising to the top with a monster performance at the ‘98 world cup, an “In Da Club” type success. The team then Massacred the competition by going on to win the 2000 European Championships. But their flop at the 2002 World Cup (Mobb Deep) and shortcomings at the 2004 Euros (Tony Yayo) makes critics anticipate a fast decline. As long as they have a powerful stable of people who work well together (Zidane and plays the Banks to Henry’s 50 Cent), there’s a good chance they may stay close to the top for some time to come.

Trinidad & Tobago = Rihanna
Trinidad & Tobago are West Indian underdogs who are just happy to be included. The Soca Warriors have earned some fans because they provide something different from what people are familiar with, but no one seriously expects them to make an impact. You’re probably thinking that Rhianna isn’t hip-hop and is out of place on this list. Well, people are saying the same about T-n-T being in the Cup at all. *Note: Despite what my friend Crystal may think, my comments are not based on me being jealous that Jamaica didn’t qualify this year.

Ghana = Atmosphere
The Black Stars never made it to the big show until this year, but they’ve been huge in the underground circuit. Ghana has won the African Cup of Nations four times, second only to Egypt’s five titles, and have won the World Under-17 Cup twice. Sluggo may not be on MTV all the time, but there are plenty of people who know his name and are familiar with his work. When it comes to African soccer, Ghana can say the same. They are in the Group of Death (think of it as the toughest bracket in March Madness), but just might surprise a few people in Germany.

Italy = LL Cool J
Longevity’s the name of the game, and Italy has played it better than almost anyone. The Azzuri have appeared in all but one World Cup final tournament held since 1934, winning three championships. Similarly, LL Cool J has managed to be successful and relevant for 20 years, which makes him an ancient relic by Hip-Hop standards. LL and Italy also share the distinction of reaching their peak years ago – Italy won the Cup in ‘34, ‘38, and ‘84 – and not returning to that apex since. Luckily, the Boys in Blue have a much better chance of reestablishing their superiority than LL does. Have you heard Todd Smith?

Australia = Slim Thug
Australia has ruled Oceania like Caesar did Rome and Slim Thug made noise in Houston’s independent scene, so both have done big things in small ponds. They’ve also waited a long time to make it into the mainstream (Australia qualified for the first time in 30 years). Harry Kewell and The Socceroos have already made the bold claim that they will advance to the second round, but they will more than likely watch the competition pass them by. Maybe somebody should remind the Aussies that being in the same group as Brazil, Croatia, and Japan makes them likely to have an Already Platinum debut that doesn’t even produce any gold. Ouch.

Germany = Raekwon & Ghostface Killah of Wu-Tang Clan
Both Germany and Wu-Tang have made an impact on the game, but as time split each entity apart, one faction reached a level of success the other has never known. Raekwon and Ghostface Killah released Only Built for Cuban Links and Ironman, two of the most celebrated Wu albums in existence, respectively; West Germany won the World Cup three times (‘54,’74,’90) and dwarfed their Eastern brethren. The fall of the Berlin Wall and the release of Wu-Tang Forever eventually brought reunification, but the glory days will always be found in the time spent apart.

Portugal = Dip Set
All style, no substance. Luis Figo (the Cam’ron of the bunch) and company have always provided fans with entertaining play, but they haven’t done anything that will stand the test of time. Portugal’s performance in the 2002 finals was so disappointing, they hired Luiz Felipe Scolari, the coach who led Brazil to victory that same year. Kind of like how Killa Cam followed Lyor Cohen from Def Jam to Asylum after Purple Haze missed expectations. Cristiano Ronaldo may be Human Crack in the Flesh, but will the Portuguese do anything in this cup that’s spectacular? Yes! Hell no.

Switzerland = Fat Joe
Fat Joe had a few albums that made a dent - small, but a dent no less - in the game; caught a major break by connecting with a large talent; and suddenly had a rare case of improvement. Switzerland has done the same, losing in the quarterfinals three times between 1934 and 1954, getting a boost from striker Alexander Frei (a not so big Pun), and making Europe lean back when they qualified for the 2006 cup. Don’t expect Joey Crack or the Swiss to stay neutral because they are willing to bring it if provoked. And how funny is it that Switzerland face G-Unit (France) in their first game on June 13th?

Iran = DJ Khaled
Forgive me for playing into stereotypes, but work with me. Both are from the Middle-East and have had much success in their neck of the woods; Khaled has the highest-rated nightly radio show in Miami and Iran has won the Asian Cup three times. If Khaled’s Listennn becomes the #1 record and Iran becomes the first team from the AFC to win the World Cup - both highly unlikely, but possible - they’d smash down major doors for their people.

Japan = Jin
Jin was one of the premiere MC’s in Miami and eventually on the national battle circuit, but his ethnicity made him a marked man. Japan has a similar status because of historical reasons, but the Daihyo winning three of the last four Asian Cups has ruffled some feathers too. When it comes to the big stage, Japan hasn’t made the impact that they should have, but they have done enough to make their core supporters and a few outsiders believe in them.

Sweden = Memphis Bleek
Always around, but hardly ever makes an impact. Despite appearing in the Cup finals six times between 1970 and 2002, Sweden has lost in the first or second round five times. Both Memph and the Swedes have frequently been grouped with peers that outperform them. Surrounding yourself with talent should lead to improvement, but in both cases, it has only led to a history of not measuring up. Sweden’s shocking loss to Senegal in 2002 forced the team to watch the new guys fly into the limelight, just like Memph had to do when Kanye West became famous. But don’t worry, Bleek; you’re still one hit away.

Czech Republic = Def Jam Records
Both the Czech Republic and Def Jam have seen more than their share of reshuffling and failed relationships. The Czechs competed as part of three different nations until politics split Czechoslovakia in 1993, but their first two offerings during the 1998 and 2002 qualification campaigns bricked (*cough Young Gunz and Memphis Bleek*). Just when the organization seemed in trouble, a legend returned to save the day. Paul Nedved took off his jeans and chancletas to come out of international retirement in 2005 and led the Czechs to their first ever World Cup finals. It created tremendous excitement for the whole team, just like Jay-Z’s constant guest appearances did until people heard the atrocious Rick Ross’s “Hustlin’” remix.

Ukraine = Mr. Cheeks
Ukraine, a former member of the USSR, has a short history as a team. The USSR was moderately successful in the 60’s and 70’s, but most of the star players came from the Ukraine. Despite being at the forefront, individual success has been elusive for both Mr. Cheeks and the Ukraine. Cheeks’ two attempts at stardom as a solo artist were both duds, and the Ukraine never qualified for any major tournament until now. Neither has matched the success had when part of a larger organization, but with Andriy Shevchenko leading the charge, the Ukraine might actually do something great once the lights and cameras are on.

Mexico = Lil’ Rob
Mexico has won the Gold Cup four times and qualified for the World Cup finals more than any other team in the region, while Lil’ Rob has found similar success in the Chicano rap scene. He has independently sold more than 100,000 copies of several releases. But outside of his zone, nobody really pays much attention to Lil’ Rob. He may have success within the Chicano rap world, but you aren’t going to see him on TV unless your cable plan includes Mun2. Mexico has kept a tight grip on CONCACAF, but no team in UEFA or CONMEBOL fears them, especially considering that El Tri have fallen in the second round three finals in a row.

Everyone else except Argentina, Croatia and South Korea = D4L and Dem Franchize Boys
They’ve made it to the big show and nobody seems to care but them and their core supporters. Sorry, guys, but this list includes Angola, Costa Rica, Ecuador, Ivory Coast, Paraguay, Saudi Arabia, Serbia & Montenegro, Togo, and Tunisia.